The RIAA Discloses Future Plans

By Ralph Wiggums, News Bureau

WASHINGTON. A spokesperson for the Recording Industry Association of America, the main trade group representing record labels, made some startling announcements today which may have a significant impact on life as we know it. 

Hilary Rosen, Chairman and CEO of the RIAA, said the case against Napster has encouraged the trade group to enter into more litigation with a variety of parties. "Sure, there's tons of money to be made in selling over-priced CDs," said Rosen. "But litigation... ah, that's where the real money is." Rosen claimed that if the proposed lawsuits are as successful as the Napster case, the recording industry will no longer need to "waste [their]  time making records." She refused to elaborate. 

First on the list is Microsoft Corporation. According to Rosen, "Our research shows that most of the criminals  who use Napster do so on a computer that uses a Microsoft operating system. If it weren't for Microsoft, these thugs wouldn't be using computers. If these lawbreakers didn't use computers, music theft using Napster and other peer-to-peer would not be an issue." Microsoft, which is no stranger to litigation, is said to be organizing a legal team to address the issue. Microsoft refused to comment, and did not return our calls. 

Another target is the telecommunications industry.

"This is a no-brainer," said Rosen. People use phone  lines, cable service, and God knows what else to access the Internet." Rosen described how these services contribute to copyright violations, and drew a comparison with the firearms industry. "If there were no guns, people wouldn't get shot and the world would be a better place. If we can effectively shut down the telecommunications industry, copyright violations would be reduced, and everyone would lead a more productive life."

When asked about the future of selling music online, Rosen told us, "The internet is just a haven for criminals. At some point, it will be outlawed. We prefer to sell music in stores. That's the way we've always done it and I see no reason to change." 

Rosen also described an alarming trend among Americans. "It has come to our attention that many people like to sing in the shower, and in virtually every case the song is copyrighted." Rosen estimates that, last year alone, singing in the shower amounted to more than $545,000,000 in lost revenue. "This is out and out theft, and must stop," she said.

RIAA lobbyists are currently working closely with legislators on a bill that, if approved, would require a cochlear implant in all U.S. citizens. This wireless transmitter, which is currently being developed, would monitor all sounds heard by each individual, and their credit card account would be debited on a per-song basis. "This is really what we've been striving for all along," boasted Rosen. Upon further questioning, record industry officials did concede that the cochlear implant requirement would be waived for deaf citizens, but only if they are "profoundly deaf.".

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